23
A prime number; indivisible, red-orange and blue,
No longer palandrome, no longer even.
Impatient, eager to make it to 24, purple-ish-blue,
divisible by 8 and 4 and 3 and 6 and 12 and 2...
a satisfying measurement for the rhythm of our days.
Until then I'm 23, an awkward leap,
caught between 22 and 24.
22, the most transformative year of my life.
...23 has a lot to live up to.
People jokingly ask, do you feel older?
Well, actually, this time I do.


Transition from Mission Year is hard. Honestly, I'm not used to missing things so much. And I've been hard on myself for missing it as much as I do sometimes, because I fear it will keep me from being present where I am. And I've hesitated to write about it or talk about it at times because I don't want to sound whiny and wistful. But missing Mission Year doesn't mean I can't be (or am not) content where I am. And when I pause and think through what it is I miss about Mission Year, it helps.

Abi wrote in the post I posted last post:

"It’s hard to explain why such a beautiful, wonderful experience can still feel so much like a war we survived. I guess it’s just the classic story of growth–there’s the painful pruning that precedes new growth. But we experienced spiritual grooming and growth at an unnatural rate. Under such strange and unique circumstances, we went through more of a blender than a gentle pruning. The result was huge transformation with a great deal of pain alongside it. My time in Houston was an emotional workout and my muscles are still very sore from it."

My fellow intern Carmen and I recently compared our Mission Year and Americorps experiences. We noticed how, in both of our experiences, what made such an impact on us was the type of bonds we formed with our teammates in going through something so intense together. We formed strong bonds very quickly, not just because we were living in community, but because of what we were learning and experiencing and seeking together daily.

That's why Abi compares our experience to a war - not to sound dramatic, but because what we went through together was hard and is also difficult to communicate to those who didn't experience it with us. In the midst of Mission Year, when everyone else seemed to be saying "Yes, this is hard!" I heard myself saying, "Well, I don't think of it as hard most of the time. In fact, I really love it." And I did love it. So much. But I think it was also harder sometimes than I even realized at the time. What we did was hard! I look back now and wonder how we made it. All the demands on our time, physical energy, emotional energy, social energy...the irony of Mission Year is that we learn about sustainability in the context of a lifestyle that, in itself, is ultimately unsustainable. It is unrealistic to think I could live a program like that my whole life, as much as I deeply regret its ending. It was right and beautiful for a season.

When people ask me what is was about Mission Year that touched me so much, I think of my teammates first because they were alongside me through it all. So many tears, laughter, and sweat. What my heart aches for most now is those daily relationships - we saw the best and worst of each other and were committed to loving each other through it. Here at Koinonia, community has a different flavor. Relationships develop more gradually. There's more space to choose which people I want to get to know more. There's not the same push for intentional relationships. Granted, we seem to do a great job at intentionally hanging out together, and I love that. But it's still different. I wonder what that means for my life. I wonder if relationships like that are truly possible again, and what the cost might be for such beauty.

A couple days ago I received a letter...from myself. In the final week of Mission Year we wrote to ourselves 3 months into the future. I've decided to share what I wrote:

7/24/13
Hey there, Tracy Lou
You've done a lot this year. Don't forget that the Father is proud of you. He has so carefully carried you this far and He is surely guiding your steps now. I wonder where you are...Koinonia, Rochester, Houston, somewhere totally unexpected...Remember you never saw Houston coming, but it has been so good. You have a clearer picture now of what you desire in life – intentional community, art – are you living out those things? Do you have too much on your plate? Are you saying yes only to what the Lord has in mind for you? Remember that it's okay to say no. This year you've learned a lot about your limits. I pray that you'll be sensitive to what those are and practice confidence in communicating those limits to those around you when necessary. Remember that you are beloved. Your worth is not measured by how much you can accomplish. You are so beautiful just as you are! He delights in you, His child, Daughter of the Most High King, who has done nothing to earn His love. Remember to keep in touch with your teammates and encourage them. You are always family now, and they are there to support you and want to hear from you. Remember to stay in touch with the kids at Fletcher. They miss you. You'll never know in this life the impact you had on their lives. Someone will think of you every day when they see that mural. Remember the symbolism that inspired that mural. Re-read your blog post on Sergio. Send him another box of crayons. Are you practicing the Sabbath? I hope you are. You need to find space for rest in your weekly rhythm, at any rate. Space for the Examen. Don't let life rush by. Take it steady. Is life too fast-paced? Be honest with yourself and redirect your course if needed. Remember that God is faithful to answer prayer. Dare to be specific in how you desire Him to answer you. Be in the Word. How are you practicing justice in your daily life? I fear that maybe some weeds of cynicism have sprung up in your heart, so check with the Lord to see how that's going. Wow, you'll be an aunt by the time you get this. Well, we're getting ready to head out. Don't forget to take iron and calcium, and I'll see you in a bit :P
Grace and peace,
Tracy

And here's a link to my latest newsletter:
http://us6.campaign-archive2.com/?u=abce379ebb&id=7313e17907