Assorted Reflections

I hate good-byes. Physical uprooting is hard. So hard. And so in some sense it is ironic that I have left home to come home, only to look for a new home. During Mission Year we talked about the wisdom of stability, of investing in a community for the long run. As much as I enjoy traveling and meeting new people, it is my prayer that God will soon lead me to a place where I can put the wisdom of stability into practice. A place where I can confidently put down roots. Maybe that's Koinonia, maybe it's not. Lately I feel like a puzzle piece that doesn't fit, and I sincerely wish to minimize good-byes in my life.

During my application process for World Vision this past spring, I realized that yes, I care about justice...but I would rather live a life that reflects justice than pursue a career of justice (not that both couldn't happen)...I would rather be painting beautiful things while establishing habits of advocacy, prayer, research, and lifestyle application. Perhaps in the future a part-time job will open up where I can exercise that passion. But there is no obligation just because I care and because people know that I care. It's about pleasing God, not people, thank goodness. I applied to World Vision because 1) they led me to believe that I was guaranteed the position and 2) because the job offered the illusion of security. I could gain experience in the "real world," add something to my resume, make money for a change...not because I was actually concerned about achieving these things, or because I actually wanted the position, but because I knew it would please people. Maybe I could convince them that I'm being responsible with my life...I firmly believe that God closed that door, not because I wasn't qualified, but because He knows me better than I do, and I am so thankful.

I'm realizing in a new way that personal success is something I hold onto too tightly. We don't come to the end of our life and hand God a list of our achievements – paychecks, completed projects, lives we've touched, jobs, diplomas, how many friends we made...Life is not a race to success, and our value is not measured by success. I strove all through college to bring social justice to the attention of my campus, but did I leave any tangible impact? If not, does that negate the value of what I did? Something to which God has called my attention this year is that He does not desire success and impact from me, but faithfulness.


I am significantly more comfortable with me, and I am becoming myself:

"Not long ago a nineteen-year-old assistant from a l’Arche community came to see me. I asked him how he was getting on. He told me he was doing all right, but that it was hard. I asked him to tell me something good that was happening. He said, “I am becoming myself.” Through all the stages of growth, is it not the real aim of life to become ourselves, to allow the barriers to come down so that the deepest “I” can emerge? Not to become what others want us to be, not to cry out to get their attention at any price. Not to refuse life, or to try to be someone else, but to grow from the seed of life within each of us, rooted in our earth and history. Is this not our journey home?"
– Jean Vanier


And here's a few words from Cry, The Beloved Country by Alan Paton, that resonate with me deeply:

"Therefore I shall devote myself, my time, my energy, my talents, to the service of South Africa. I shall no longer ask myself if this or that is expedient, but only if it is right. I shall do this, not because I am noble or unselfish, but because life slips away, and because I need for the rest of my journey a star that will not play false to me, a compass that will not lie. I shall do this, not because I am a negrophile and a hater of my own, but because I cannot find it in me to do anything else. I am lost when I balance this against that, I am lost when I ask if this is safe, I am lost when I ask if men, white men or black men, Englishmen or Afrikaners, Gentiles or Jews, will approve. Therefore I shall try to do what is right, and to speak what is true. I do this not because I am courageous and honest, but because it is the only way to end the conflict of my deepest soul. I do it because I am no longer able to aspire to the highest with one part of myself, and to deny it with another. I do not wish to live like that, I would rather die than live like that. I understand better those who have died for their convictions, and have not thought it was wonderful or brave or noble to die. They died rather than live, that was all. Yet it would not be honest to pretend that it is solely an inverted selfishness that moves me. I am moved by something that is not my own, that moves me to do what is right, at whatever cost it may be..."

Grace and peace,

Tracy